Firstly, last February, my mom's best friend and my surrogate father (Sam) was diagnosed with liver cancer and died within two months. About a month before Sam died, my grandfather broke his neck. Luckily, he didn't die and wasn't paralyzed, but the whole ordeal, including hospitals, the ICU and rehab centers, lasted until late August. In August, my mom, my sister and I adopted a puppy from the Atlanta Humane Society. She was the sweetest thing in the entire world. We had her for a week before she was diagnosed with distemper and had to be euthanized a week later. Finally, one afternoon in late October, one of my best friends, Amy McGee, committed suicide.
Obviously, the worst part of 2006 was Amy killing herself. I still get sick saying that she hung herself in a closet. It makes me heave. It makes me weep. She was one of those people who I just connected with, and we could call each other after not talking for a month and talk for 2 hours, nonstop. We went to camp together, we spent the night together, she invited me to Puerto Rico with her; we did a lot of stuff together. I miss her more than anything in the entire world. I shook for about two days straight after I found out. I got the call at around 12 am, and I didn't sleep again until 6. It was the most horrifying day of my entire life. But the thing that bothers me the most is that SO MANY PEOPLE LOVED HER, but she didn't love herself. Because she didn't love herself, she took her own life. Because she took her own life, many people's lives were changed and the lives of her closest friends were disfigured. My world is not the same without her in it. I think the thing that I'm trying to say is that you truly, truly don't realize what you have until you lose it. And I wish more than anything, more than anything in the entire universe, that I hadn't lost her.
In short, this year has been beautiful and terrible at the same time. I've grown. I've matured. I've lost more than I thought I ever could. I've cried, and cried, and cried. And I still cry. But I loved, and I still love. For a while, it was one horrible thing after another. They've all changed me. I don't know if I've necessarily changed on the outside, to those who don't know me well. But I do know that I'm much more protective of those I love dearly. I'm so terrified of losing them. I try desperatley not to show it, but I'm absolutley terrified of losing them. It's my biggest fear. It's because I love them s
o much. I love.rest in peace, my darling. i love you.
4 comments:
Sara, I just read you blog and I couldn't help but cry a little when I read it. I wasn't nearly as good of friends with her as you were, but you captured all of the emotions of loss so well in your blog. I think they're universal feelings that I could definitely relate to when thinking of all of the people I've lost.
i cried too.
you're a wonderful writer.
Love for a partner (I hate the word "boyfriend" ><) Love for family. Love for a pet. Love for a friend. For me, it all comes from love for yourself, connection with your self. I'm a firm believer in loving yourself to love others. Finding peace in yourself to find peace in the rest of the world. And it's such a shame that we're designed to love and understand ourselves last. Some people are cut sort. The loss of love that comes from within is by far the most detrimental.
que bonita mi amor
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